Dieting

The conversation started off very businesslike, we got all of the pleasantries out of the way and came to a resolve about the air condition problem. I noticed he wanted to talk to me about that before he forgets but getting off the phone is better, because he needed me to not notice something else while we talked. Too bad, I know him like the back of my hand.

As we drew near the end of the conversation I asked, "Hey! You Smokin?". I can hear the 'Damn I'm busted' in his reply, "Yeah..What?". I scolded him with..."You know you are not supposed to be smokin no damn cigars!...Not that kind of tabaca (tobacco)!!!" Mind you, I am at work. So I lower my voice to a whisper and continue with the scolding. Then he gets real serious and all 'matter-of-fact' with the tone of his voice when he says "Listen to me". Oh, he called be by my first name too! (It's reeeal serious now) I'm thinking...OK maybe his health is at risk again and if that's what he wants to do in his last days, who am I to judge.

Surely what other reason could it be? This dude was serious in his voice and in his heart that he should go back to smoking because his clothes doesn't fit anymore. I never laughed so hard.

He said that he was getting too big and all he does it eat! WTF!! I asked him why doesn't he go on a diet or cut his portions down. He attempted to convincingly explain that's exactly what he was doing. And I quote ..."Smokin is my diet."  He went on to tell me that a cup of coffee and a cigar in the morning keeps him from eating because he's not hungry so then he can go all day without eating. Again I say... WTF!!! This in no way can be healthy. I let him know that too! Then I told JO Smooth he's got to get off my phone. I had to go back to work so he can get back to his dieting. Arrrugh I give up!

Never Say Never My Ass



You know how you are never supposed to say never? I have been a victim of saying never only to be proven wrong on more than one occasion. I know it's a tough statement that's tested, tried and true but I honestly believe there are some things I can and will say NE'VAH to. There's not many but here goes...

1. At this age I will never have another child! You will see me on the 5 o'clock news!

2. I will never again allow anyone to clip my wings.

3. I will never have to worry about where I will spend eternity.

4. I will never let anyone use me up.

5. I will never fit into a size 0 again! LOL! I can't believe I used to be that size. That's virtually invisible!

So there you have it. Those are my Nevers.

Keep Your Mouth Shut

It's amazing the impression we leave on people. What's also amazing is we don't know how sometimes. It can be from a first meeting, a heightened experience, or it could be from nothing at all just standing across the room and someone sees you.


I was just washing my hands in the restroom and there was a lady in there doing the same. As I got ready to dry my hands, I took a good look in the mirror at the woman next to me who just turned off the water in her sink. I always do this when time is still. I observe and dissect those around me especially when they aren't looking and she wasn't looking. When I was done washing, I patted my hands dry on the napkin and merely said, "Hey Howya Doin" and smiled at her, you know, being southern and nice. Immediately she said my name followed by a "right?" Nah hold on, let's review. Don't owe money, check. Ain't sleeping around, check.  Never in my life seen you before Lady, check. OK, safe to answer. I hesitantly replied with a slow yes, but the side eye must have said it all. She then told me, "I recognize your voice."  She introduced herself.."Hi, I'm Inas!". I knew who she was then and to confirm I finished her introduction by saying her last name.


I had only spoken to this lady over the phone 3 or 4 times tops and they were very short work-related conversations. I remembered her because of her name. I like the sound of it, its strong, powerful (has to mean something I'm sure), also I like the way it rolls off the tongue. She left an impression on me with her name, subsequently, I left one on her with my voice. Now if I could make some money leaving impressions with my voice. Do you think I would make a good phone sex operator? LOL!

When the Devil Beats His Wife

There's an old saying we like to say down South when the sun is shining and it's raining at the same time, "the devil is beating his wife". The correct term for this phenomenon is sunshower. I love when that happens because in spite of the rain, there's the sun. I feel hopeful and still happy. 

Do you believe that the weather plays a major role in the way you're going to feel when you wake up in the morning? For the last couple of days or so it's been overcasting and ranging from cool to cold. I'm not a big fan of winter but if I had to choose I'll pick winter over summer because you can get warm but can't get cool. 

With the grey clouds comes sprinkles of rain that dampens the ground and my mood. It puts me in the funk. I need sunshine for me to shine. Of course I can make myself be happy if the weather is dull. I'll use my inner happiness for that. But sometimes I think God does it to purposely slow us down. Not to make us feel devitalized but to allow us to appreciate more than one weather induced sun-shiny emotion while, reiterating who He is.  

It takes more of an effort when the weather is cloudy to put yourself in a jovial mood...at least for me. I appreciate that He shows me He still commands me and that even the power of how I wake up and feel in the mornings doesn't always belong to me.

DJ Don't

Recently at my job a group of us were working an event to elevate morale of the employees by passing out T-shirts and tickets to a college football game. Along with passing out those items we had to show team spirit and arouse the crowd waiting in line. To add to all of the excitement already included were snacks, beverages, cheers and chants, and a DJ. What did they have a DJ for?

Everything was going just fine when techno music and country songs were being played. Everyone seemed to be calm and enjoying the atmosphere and focused on their tasks of handing out items and checking for ID's for about a good hour or so. Well that wasn't enough. Our operation was going too smooth and we were ahead of schedule at the bare end of hand-outs....when the music changed.

They started playing songs with bass and beats. They were playing Hip Hop songs like Drop it Low, and Look at Me Now. All of us who are Black had that same look on our faces and we started shaking our heads. Our shoulders and chest begin to move. I was already finger popping and getting wound up...it starts and the top and you know what's going to happen next. The goal is not to let it go the hips. Please! Please! Please Lawd don't let it go to the hips!!! Especially not in front of all these white folks and.... On My Job! We all knew. We all knew the rules. We fought it and held out as long as we could. However, a gentleman member of our "National United Negro Association In Front These White Folks" (who shall remain nameless..(Lawrence)) took the daring lead and did something so clever to save us all, he asked the DJ to turn the music back to a different genre. We shot him a look of gratefulness and wiped the sweat from our brow. 

Don't they know? Certain music to "our kind" is mesmerizing and there's no escape. It matters not where you are, who's company you're in or what you are doing. I'm like the snake. When a snake charmer blows that stupid flute, I can't help it. I hear the call and I have to dance. And don't let it be MY JAM! Ohhhh Nooo! It's on and popping like fish grease! BUT...Not in front these white folks.... On...My...JOB!

I'm a little worried. It's the seventh day of December and I have nothing pressing in my spirit or on my mind to write about. I'm sad about that. I love the way things stir inside me and how I plot about what I'm going to write. I love even more when the finished product proves me wrong. Sure I think about some things but lately nothing is pressing. I really am numb. Don't feel like fussing. Don't want to complain about anything. I don't care who comes or goes. All I want to do is sleep. Oh well....that's too bad.

Golden Rule = "F" it

Been praying for it and I think I may have finally gotten it. I don't know if it's an answered prayer or if it's just that I'm fed up with my own over thinking and internalizing. Whatever it is, I like it. I like the other side of the coin with the Golden Rule. The rule states do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Lately I have been having this "F" people kind of attitude. Granted no one prays for that or at least they shouldn't but my prayers have been more less a plea for a coping mechanism that works with my personality. So far..."F" it seems to work just fine for me. I already told you I didn't know if it was an answered prayer or not...that's my disclaimer! Anyhoo. I have taken into account the Golden Rule and I notice that it can be applied to communication as well, not just action. For some of us action is communication so this rule can be injected into both and produce a viable outcome just the same. How be it evah, I have come to personalize this Golden Rule with my own interpretation. I will treat some as I wished to be treated and others like they want to be treated.  

Over the Thanksgiving holidays I put this little experiment into action with 3 lab rats.

Rat 1, let's call that one Selfish. Selfish thought it was ok to be inconsiderate and only think of things that will directly affect their life with no regard of my thoughts and feelings. I was ok with that and did the same then was asked if something was wrong? Nope. Not at all.

Rat 2, is Overwhelmer. OW for short. OW thought they could belittle me because they were out of their comfort zone and in my territory. Age played a role in that I am younger and things should be done the way they do it. Well I just kept reminding OW of where they were and how things run on my side letting them know opinions on their part is null and void.

Rat 3, Sneaky. Sneaky thought it could withhold important information something that would have once been shared but chosen not to divulged. I went right on ahead and as a matter of fact let Sneaky know that I already knew. What wasn't made known is that I have decided to change the dynamics of our relationship severing the once close knit ties. Demoting to just ...blase and casual.

They all had the same reaction to my sudden change in behavior...SURPRISED! I applied the Golden Rule. I would say the experiment proved successful. Are they ok with it?...Ahhhh "F" it! No one is exempt.

Chicken Titties

When Little Miss turned about 6 years old she learned about the power of her tongue. She learned what is appropriate to say and what she can't say. In the many wonderful things she does express, phrases, sayings, frustrations, etc. there is one that amuses her little soul. Some girls her age have imaginary friends she has "tickle words". Her favorite is "Butt Naked". Every time she says it, she bursts into laughter. I don't know why it sounds so funny to her, but I can identify. I know the power of words, how they carry weight and can alter atmosphere. I know although when spoken, they are invisible to the eye, but they are beheld in the heart. Words are expensive and cheap.

I think about an episode on Girlfriends when William is having an affair with his boss and when she says the word "Litigious", it made his nature rise. Of course she enunciates the L in Litigious and her tongue swipes the top of her lip when she says it but that's the effect his tickle word had on him.

Now for Dollar Bill, her tickle word is Astringent. She makes up conversation out of the clear blue so she can use that word. When she does say it, she changes her voice and carries the "Astringggggg" part out, then she giggles at herself.

My tickle word? Chicken Titties! I know you are wondering how did I come to liking Chicken Titties. I called Milk Dud on my way home from work, soliciting his help with dinner I asked him to take out some chicken breast to thaw. Well he didn't hear me when I get to the breast part because the phone kept going in and out. He could only hear the chicken part. Frustrated he kept asking over and over again, what kind, drums or breast? I got frustrated with screaming breast!! BREAST! over and over again. Needless to say he still didn't get it. On the final scream (phone working proper by now) I yelled "Chicken Titties! Pull out the damn Chicken Titties! Can you hear me now?!" So now, jokingly when I ask him to pull out some chicken breast, I replace it with Chicken Titties and it makes us laugh.

Don't Like Funes!

I spoke to JO Smooth on the phone who is in his mid sixties and he made a startling discovery about himself that he had to share with me. I was grateful that his attitude is contrary to his age by his new discovery. He said..."I don't see how Kenny like doing this shit! Every week he's at somebody's wake or fune (funeral). Why when people get up in age, they like doing this shit for recreation?" then he proceeded with..."Man I hate going to funes!" I was tickled yet relived. This led me to believe, that in his heart, he is not yet up in age and he thinks going to funerals is not cool. He's not ready to embrace he could be heading closer to his turn in the casket. He's so smooth. I just love his zest and way of thinking for a person his age.


Well this weekend was my turn to make a call to him with the same conclusion. He could be thinking his time is winding down and this is not what he wants to do for sport in his free time alive. I was thinking this is so final, sad, long and drawn out. Nevertheless we agree, we don't like funes!


At this funeral though I was thinking how I would want mine to be and who would be present. I want a Jazz Funeral much like this one! (Click Here to see what I'm talking about!) No singing slow and sad songs and the service should be an 1.5 tops. I would want folks to wear bright vibrant colors and remember the better parts of me. The preacher should make it priority to talk about getting your life together and accepting Christ. For the re-pass, a family potluck with some good music and good company.


But it's not up to me. I won't be there. I just hope that mine is not like some I've attended because honestly...I do not like funes!!!!

Don't Call Me

Black Magic and I were talking about names we can and cannot accept. The question posed was "If a guy called you a Bitch or Hoe (whore) which of the two would insult you more than the other?" We both agreed that they shouldn't call us either one but let's face it...they do. It's already established that everyone knows better. So then it comes down to which is the lesser of the two evils for you personally. We both picked a man would get cussed out if they referred to either one of us as a Hoe.

When he calls you a hoe he's aiming to insult you, especially if he doesn't know you. His ego may have gotten bruised resulting in an involuntary reaction and that was the best he could come up with at a short notice. It could be for a number of reasons. Whatever the reason is though he's an asshole with cussing out coming his way. He takes a stab at the stain on your reputation, attempting to flaw your character when he calls you a hoe. Folks know hoes. They know that it can be a dirty and demeaning job, to be one professionally or amateur, whether out of necessity or for fun. They know hoes can be hollow and open for any and everybody, used up and worn out. Sure she can be paid and live outwardly affluent but everybody takes from them and there's no lady left in a hoe to show for it....they are just hoes... dumped into that soiled category.

Now if he calls you a Bitch, well you can live with that. He's only tagging your attitude and that really is up to you to do as you please with it. You may have good reason to be a bitch. Some people prefer that attitude as also their means for communication. That might be the best way they relate or understand what you convey. Bitches don't have to give up their wholesome to be prosperous like hoes do. You can take a bitch home to meet momma and marry her. You can be a bitch and no one has to know until you get ready to introduce that alter ego and yes it can be an alter ego. Easily turned off and on at your discretion. That's what I like about a bitch.

But I tell you what I don't like out of all the names I have been called. Don't call me "Dear"! I hate when people call me that! It sounds so condescending to me like I am beneath someone as if I am a child they are referring to. I don't know why but it does. Don't call me that shit either!

Mmmmm Cannndy

I have a sweet tooth for all sorts of candies but Chocolate is my preference over any others. I like chocolate because it's rich, dark, textured, can melt easily and then solidify when cooled. It can take shape, you can add other ingredients to it and sometimes it leaves an aftertaste. I like it too because it compliments other items like fruits and cuisines. Very versatile. Most of all it compliments me. Let's not talk about the things chocolate can do. I've known it to be the perfect remedy for PMS or depression, the top over after a perfect meal, or just the right amount of caffeine for a pick me up. It can do wonders!

However the older I get and the way society has made acceptance these days I have to think if I would ever have a specific taste for a different sort of candy. It never really occurred to me before of a serious interest in other sorts but I notice now that sorted candies have taken an obvious interest in my flavor. Hey Nah!

I love my Snickers and will not betray my love as long as I am vowed to that deep rich chocolate hunger conciliate. But if circumstances changed I wonder if I would opt to not discriminate and make a Zero my new hero. Hee Hee Hee... I'm just sayin', couldn't it satisfy me too?

SERIOUSLY?! Did you really think I was talking about candy? Duh!

You Cry Baby

It has been 2,361 days or you could say 6 years, 5 months 17 days and counting since she left me. You'd think I'd be over it by now but I will never get over it. I still have the ugly face, snotting nose, baritone gut wrenching bellowing boo-hoos when I think of her 1 second too long. The thoughts of her could strike at any given moment. I could be on a drive home from work and boom! Water works on! I could be watching TV, or cooking, or taking a shower, whatever the case though I am always alone when it happens. It's better that way. I go through resentment, anger, happy thoughts, things I want to tell her, things I wonder if she'd approve if she knew I behaved in a certain way. I always needed her approval, her validation.

I think my grandmother would be proud of me most of the time but to this day I still cry. I cry like a big baby. Sometimes I lay across the bed and have my tantrum kicking and screaming too. I'm smiling at the thought of it. If she knew I did that she would say ...."Nah Boid (Bird) cut all that shit out!" LOL! I loved her with all the heart one person could have to love someone. Even in her eternal absence I still need her. I need her voice. Her meals. Her scolding. Her hugs. Her spoilings...oh she had favorites too. I need her wisdom. Her potty mouth. Her gossip. Her history. Her voodoo ( lol). I need her healings. Her prayers. Her prophecies. I need her hands.

Her birthday is this month and I will think about her as natural as it is for me to breathe. The best advice I can give myself is ...You go on and cry Baby.

Entitled

I have my parents to blame and I can see this same vicious cycle is happening all over again. I'm doing the same thing with my kids. I tell them how beautiful they are. I let them know that it really is all about them. I let them know just how treasured and valuable they are and how much potential they posses simply because they were born. That's what a proud parent is supposed to do right...pedestal their own? The problem is not the doing, its the reason, the simply because they were born. It's because of the reason I get the spanking.

I was told the same things growing up and that's what I believed. All of it is true, to this day I am all of those things my parents said I was BUT not because I was born. I had to work at it. I learned the hard way most of the time but I later found out that you have to put in some work and get hurt too. You have to endure somethings, experiences and accounts and you have lose too. I wonder what can I do to start letting them know these things. As a parent how can I evenly parallel the doing and the reason without compromising one for the other?

I know they will get it as I've gotten it and maybe it's best the world shows them better than I can explain, but I don't want the cost to be devastating or them to be hard learners. I simply cannot stand people who act like they should have simply because they were born.

Expired

At this very moment
A mother sighs frustrated by a child of hers who lied
Someone is touched by a sincere sentiment and someone right now could use a breath mint

At this very moment
Someone is passing into an afterlife while she pushes out baby with all her might
He is looking out of the window in deep contemplation and they are gaming on play station

Right this second
A crime is taking place simultaneously a death sentence seals some one's fate
Far far away starvation is epidemic here our concern is who we go to lunch with

At this moment a Diva steps out of the salon chair the same time as a dad cuts his little man's hair
Somebody is being heart broken as we speak and somebody collecting child support this week

At this very moment someone is thinking damn the sex was great while others are thinking they could have had V8
As the world turns around and around just keep in mind your up could be their down

Fuckable or Not....That is the Question

I was talking to Black Magic (my BFF) and we were throwing some ideas around...as always. You would be amazed at some of the shit we discuss. Well this time we ran a list of possibilities for fuckable hypotheticals. For instance, notable nerds, sexy strippers, potential porn stars, cowboys and Indians and the list goes on. We exclude no one, even contemplating aliens. Just being absolutely silly. We very seldom disagree on anything but she says I like old men and she doesn't. However there is one potential candidate that we most certainly agree on hands down! He's fuckable!! He's 60! And while I won't go that high up in age, with him I will have to reconsider. I just can't spend the night. If I see the Old Spice between the cholesterol or high blood pressure pills and Viagra, it's deal breaker.

Check him out!

The Estates

Of course out of no where while I'm working I have to stop and write these tad bits. When working I audit personal and job information on employees and I take notice to their street names or anything that would be striking to me. Most times it's their names or their address. Over the years I have come across some weird names for both but I got to thinking....again.

I was thinking if I had tons of money I'd like to own a subdivision. It would be a nice affordable well maintained place to live like any other with dues and deeds restrictions and lots to offer but I wonder how many people would actually take up residence in my subdivision. I would have names for streets like Licky Dicky Lane or Ménage à Trois Trace, Bullshit Blvd., Suck on Me Street, Fuck You Road, Kiss My Ass Square, Sit on This Circle or maybe even Bite Me Court.

I have concluded that I would own the biggest house on Fuck You Road, what street do you think you would live on?

Feng Shui My Way

I got this email from my sister who though it would bring me happy feelings. I'm not sure she meant for it to bring me happy feelings this way. It was a Feng Shui Lotus Totus good thoughts to live by from Anthony Robbins. Well I revised it, to read this way:

Feng Shui
·
This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you -- and me!

There's some mighty fine advice in these words. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck originally from the Anthony Robbins organization until recently It has been revised by the powerful and meaningful words of Mandisa O.


Share with your friends.

ONE. Anthony says:

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Mandisa says:

Give people just what the hell they deserve and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Anthony says:

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Mandisa says:

Marry a man/woman you love. As you get older, their conversational skills will be less tolerable but you love them...remember?

THREE. Anthony says:

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

Mandisa says:
Don't believe all you hear (you know haters), or spend all you have, but you’d better sleep all you can because you know it doesn’t come easy these days.

FOUR. Anthony says:

When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

Mandisa says:

When you say, 'I love you,' mean it. If they say ‘I love you’, say’Thank you.

FIVE. Anthony says:

When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye..

Mandisa says:

When you say, 'I'm sorry,' make it sooo worth it for having to say it.

SIX. Anthony says:

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Mandisa says:

Live together at least one year before you get married.

SEVEN. Anthony says:

Believe in love at first sight.

Mandisa says:

Live together at least one year before you get married. Don’t believe in that stupid “love at first” sight bullshit. He/She might be crazy as hell!

EIGHT. Anthony says:

Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Mandisa says:

People who don't have dreams deserve the jobs they do luck up and get.

NINE... Anthony says:

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

Mandisa says:

Love deeply and passionately God and Yourself. It’s the only way to know your self-worth.

TEN.. Anthony says:

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Mandisa says:

In disagreements, seek the wise council of Floyd Maywheather who says protect yourself at all times! Fight to win! Talk about their momma J

ELEVEN. Anthony says:

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Mandisa says:

Don't judge people by their relatives. HA! That is bullshit in and of itself!

TWELVE.. Anthony says:

Talk slowly but think quickly.

Mandisa says:

Talk slowly but think quickly….or keep your mouth shut all together.

THIRTEEN. Anthony says:

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

Mandisa says:

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, you say, “Mind your own damn business.” Then smile.

FOURTEEN. Anthony says:

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Mandisa says:

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great decisions.

FIFTEEN. Anthony says:

Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

Mandisa says:

Say 'cover your mouth next time ' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. Anthony says:

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Mandisa says:

When you lose, don’t get mad….get even.

SEVENTEEN. Anthony says:

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

Mandisa says:

That’s about the smartest thing Anthony said thus far. It took him 17 tries but he finally said something sensible.

EIGHTEEN. Anthony says:

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Mandisa says:

Refer to #5

NINETEEN. Anthony says:

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Mandisa says:

When you realize you've made a mistake, immediately call on the Lawd from whence cometh your help.

TWENTY. Anthony says:

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

Mandisa says:

Caller ID says don’t pick up the phone! Anthony must not know about bill collectors and I sure as hell don’t want them to hear a smile in my voice!

TWENTY- ONE. Anthony says:

Spend some time alone.

Mandisa says:

Spend some time alone and don’t get caught.

Now, here's the FUN part!

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

Some shit Anthony said:
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.

Mandisa said:

A true friend is someone who knows when you want to be left the hell alone and will not fuck with you and send you stupid ass messages like those of Anthony Robbins who don’t know shit from shinola.