Rejection. Can be perceived as in many ways, most commonly in manners such as these to say or read as NO, later, declined, ignored, etc.
Rejection is to humble, retaliate, dismiss or negate, prevent, benefit.
I was supposed to get married in February. My brain is thinking too much and too fast. A million thoughts. I want to write this post but I can't narrow my thoughts right now. He shared something with me that I didn't like about others, and I need to know where will I fit in. Why is he so important to me. Why am I so strongly connected to him and he can't see or feel that. Why doesn't he know it.
That's how this post were to begin when I first started writing it about a year ago. I couldn't finish it though. I couldn't compose my thoughts, so I stop writing. I ran across this draft and it triggered the memory of what I was supposed to convey back then. It took me a year, but I can say it now. Hell, I can sum it up in 1 phrase now. I was fucking hurt. Broke down to my brake pads. But that was then, and this is now.
For some reason, my fingers just starting tapping on the keys with fluency and I felt the need to complete this post today. I still don't know exactly what I want the outcome of it to be yet since the memory of my pain was evoked. Not sure if I want to disclose how necessary pain is for your shaping, and how I've come to embrace it to desensitize or avoid it altogether because I fear it. I haven't decided if I want to make known that I will sometimes sabotage and reject first, so that I am not the rejected later. I am on a journey and continuing to learn. Because of past experiences this is how I turned out....wishy washy, and how I always question motility in relationships because of experienced and potential future pain. I don't excuse myself from righteousness either. I know too, that I can be a perpetrator to some degree and cause harm. I am responsible in that regard. Can't figure out if I should state the obvious, pain is inevitable. But, I can say this...that was then, and its still now.
Rejection is to humble, retaliate, dismiss or negate, prevent, benefit.
I was supposed to get married in February. My brain is thinking too much and too fast. A million thoughts. I want to write this post but I can't narrow my thoughts right now. He shared something with me that I didn't like about others, and I need to know where will I fit in. Why is he so important to me. Why am I so strongly connected to him and he can't see or feel that. Why doesn't he know it.
That's how this post were to begin when I first started writing it about a year ago. I couldn't finish it though. I couldn't compose my thoughts, so I stop writing. I ran across this draft and it triggered the memory of what I was supposed to convey back then. It took me a year, but I can say it now. Hell, I can sum it up in 1 phrase now. I was fucking hurt. Broke down to my brake pads. But that was then, and this is now.
For some reason, my fingers just starting tapping on the keys with fluency and I felt the need to complete this post today. I still don't know exactly what I want the outcome of it to be yet since the memory of my pain was evoked. Not sure if I want to disclose how necessary pain is for your shaping, and how I've come to embrace it to desensitize or avoid it altogether because I fear it. I haven't decided if I want to make known that I will sometimes sabotage and reject first, so that I am not the rejected later. I am on a journey and continuing to learn. Because of past experiences this is how I turned out....wishy washy, and how I always question motility in relationships because of experienced and potential future pain. I don't excuse myself from righteousness either. I know too, that I can be a perpetrator to some degree and cause harm. I am responsible in that regard. Can't figure out if I should state the obvious, pain is inevitable. But, I can say this...that was then, and its still now.
