It has been 2,361 days or you could say 6 years, 5 months 17 days and counting since she left me. You'd think I'd be over it by now but I will never get over it. I still have the ugly face, snotting nose, baritone gut wrenching bellowing boo-hoos when I think of her 1 second too long. The thoughts of her could strike at any given moment. I could be on a drive home from work and boom! Water works on! I could be watching TV, or cooking, or taking a shower, whatever the case though I am always alone when it happens. It's better that way. I go through resentment, anger, happy thoughts, things I want to tell her, things I wonder if she'd approve if she knew I behaved in a certain way. I always needed her approval, her validation.
I think my grandmother would be proud of me most of the time but to this day I still cry. I cry like a big baby. Sometimes I lay across the bed and have my tantrum kicking and screaming too. I'm smiling at the thought of it. If she knew I did that she would say ...."Nah Boid (Bird) cut all that shit out!" LOL! I loved her with all the heart one person could have to love someone. Even in her eternal absence I still need her. I need her voice. Her meals. Her scolding. Her hugs. Her spoilings...oh she had favorites too. I need her wisdom. Her potty mouth. Her gossip. Her history. Her voodoo ( lol). I need her healings. Her prayers. Her prophecies. I need her hands.
Her birthday is this month and I will think about her as natural as it is for me to breathe. The best advice I can give myself is ...You go on and cry Baby.
3 comments:
This. made. me. cry.
Once again your words are so vivid. I can see and hear your grandmother. I can imagine that the two of you are a lot alike. Both speaking your minds w/o worries of what other people may think. I wish I had the opportunity to hear and remember what my mother was like. I can only imagine.
Tashdim we will see them again.
Angie, Imma tell you like she told me, Nah cut that out!
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