Holiday Time Again

Well well well looky here! It's that time of year again. Yep the Holidays! Am I just feeling it? NOPE! I'm not one for the Christmas holidays. I have nothing against the birth of Christ or anything like that it's just cumbersome to me. The idea of running around trying to figure out the perfect gift for people is just not my idea of merry and fun. Then you have your Christmas songs wishing you well and peace on earth..shit like that! It's fake! The world isn't peaceful. You think you can sing that to the Talibans and they will covert into something less threatening and joyful. Ummm I don't think so. There is this one particular song though that renders a thought from me "What Do The Lonely Do". I was thinking...that really doesn't sound all that bad to me.

I mean if I were lonely for Christmas this year I think I would be happy. Me in the bed with a bottle of Crown and a few Modelos, some food of course and a good working remote, some movie and wheew, we are cooking with gas! Nope don't need gifts to open. Nope don't even need the sun to shine..if it were rainy that would be even better. Nothing like spending all day in bed in rainy weather. So that's my idea of a wonderful Christmas!


Now what I will really get.... some picky head ass children running around my house screaming something about opening gifts and jumping all over my most precious beloved bed! I will get a husband who in his mind, lives in some commercial where the father makes hot chocolate and cookies on Christmas morning and records the whole thing. Ayyyy ya ya....I will get some gift that is 12 times too small for me from my hubby from a permanent depiction of how I used to look when I met my him 15 years and 2 kids ago. I will get the pleasure of serving dinner over and over over again to various guest who comes in at various times through out the course of the day and night. I get to clean up everybody's mess too! I will get to see my husband smile and my children's laughter. I will get to see my parents love up on all of us and them being in their glory too. I will get to talk smack and enjoy playing games with them, taking pictures of the moment and eating way beyond my own expectations.

Am I just feeling the holidays? Hmmmm I think I am.

Momma Can't Get Any

Recently my family and I went on vacation to Sea World celebrating my daughter's birthday. I don't know about the kids but I had a blast. Sorry I can't speak for everyone. They say they had themselves a great time, I'll just have to roll with that but I had myself a ball!

We all shared a room and of course only one bathroom. Needless to say to we had to make great use of our limited time causing us to also share bathroom time. Being the mother and wife I am the only one who can share that kind of time with all members of our family of four. However this needed some justification to my son who disapproved of me sharing the restroom with my husband. He had the nerve to ask me something along the lines of... what were y'all doing in the bathroom together?... and he offered a safe suggestion I guess one he could digest better?...by adding "...while I guess ya'll was taking a shower?" Yeah let it seep in.

Ok. I reenacted a scene from the movie Exorcist and my head began to spin around on my neck! The room got dark. Fire emerged from the floor. My daughter ran and took cover under the covers. Poor thing. And my husband took a hard swallow followed by an "OH-OH". He stepped back into the restroom and locked the door behind him. How dare he?...that little shit! How could he formulate his lips to mouth those words to me? ME?! of ALL people. My son knows I wear the crazy lady badge of honor proudly!!! I could see the fear in that poor child's eyes. That's what saved him. As I returned and morphed back to her normal state, I calmly answered him firmly but appropriately warning that he stays in his lane.

So I ran the whole scenario by my mother who is visiting and she explained why he asked. To my amusement and surprise in short..little boys don't like their mother getting any. Sub-conscientiously it's their protective mode. They don't see their mother who is wholesome and high on their pedestal in that manner. WHAT??!!! I can honestly say that one NEVAH crossed my mind. I guess there's some truth to it because he is a little possessive of me and clingy but it seems absurd to me. Hmmmmm.

My Last Day

My friend and I have this recurring conversation about how we will leave our jobs. We have turned over many scenarios in our discussion and I'm sad to announce that great debauched minds attract and think alike (which is probably why we are friends). But of all the scenarios I would have to say there is one that's my absolute favorite.


You see in my synopsis I've won the lottery. Yes I would go to work the day after receiving my first check of many because I know this is my last day. Of course I would drive up in a Panemera and park in the President's spot or block her in...whatever option is available at the time. Proceed to my office with my big designer sunglasses, and purse to match the stilettos. In my purse would be a huge towel, I will need that to sit on....we don't any dirt to touch..that's not sanitary. Oh I forget to mention my outfit. Yeah it would be a thong bikini and nothing else.

I would turn on that computer and start approving Epars like nobody's business. I'd wait for the morning pleasantries to commence because I would have a the most chipper and delightful hello to this one particular person we've named Big Red (she's my boss). At that point I'd would wait for the response that would cue me to tell her everything I really want her to know...like how I feel about her. When I'm done being bored with her expression then I would move on the next asshole on my list. Walking down the hallways to offices of those I dislike, Missy here would politely knock on the doors and ask to have a word. Removing my towel to be seated of course, I think I would start the conversation a little something like this...."You mind if I have a word with you?...There's something I think you should know..."


See! That's why I won't be the one to win the lottery.

Just Say the Word

I was getting my hair washed over by my sister's house this Sunday and as always we talk...about everything that comes to mind, good or bad. But this particular conversation comes to mind that sticks. We were talking about handbags. The styles, the brand and of course the price!

Recently I celebrated my birthday with my husband and he took me shopping. I was telling my sister about the event. Anyone who knows me knows that I love style, clothes, shoes and I am admittedly a self proclaimed purse slut. We scanned a few stores and of course a few handbags screamed my named calling me to rescue them from bondage of the shelf. Yeah I heard them...I heard them all. However, some didn't need my rescuing. Some were perfectly content being imprisoned on display. But there was this one. One that I thought about saving. One that I thought would look sooooo good on my shoulders, forearm, resting at my side, and sitting shotgun in my car, one that matched my wardrobe winter, spring, summer and fall. One that wanted me to be her mommy. I wanted to be her mommy too. I tried her on. I took a picture of her. I even got permission to adopt. Then I looked at the cost.

You see I am an everyday person. I count pennies. I pinch. I'm wise. My husband and I do pretty well in the money department. We live comfortably and from time to time can afford some luxuries through God's grace and mercy and through being good stewards. This purse (notice now it's a purse..not a handbag because I didn't buy it) cost over $7oo.oo.

My husband has some stuff with him for certain. He causes me some pain from time to time but whose husband doesn't? When it comes down to doing what he knows how to do best, like spoiling me, he's supreme. He picks up right from where my father leaves off everytime and needless to say this time was no different. He was willing and wanting to spend that kind of money on me for this purse.

I thought about it. This is when reasoning kicks in. As slutty as I can be with handbags and fashions there has to be responsible party. I'm proud to say that party was me. But there's nothing more satisfying then knowing all I had to do was say the word....that handbag could have been MINZE!

Cancer

July is the month that belongs to Mandisa!

I celebrate my birthday on the 10th. The reason I love birthdays (anyone's birthday) is because that's the day God set aside to make that person! You can gather some things about a person without even knowing them simply from the time they are born. How cool is that?!

My zodiac sign is Cancer and though I love being born in July there are some benefits. If you live down south you always know what the weather is going to be like and can plan accordingly your activities for celebration. It's always hot!... (may or may not rain). We are committed to our emotions. We aggressively work to accomplish goals fueled by our emotions of course. We are nurturers and make others feel like they are a strong part of our circle...make them feel like family in a sense. We are motivators to get things accomplished. Pretty good huh? Yeah well I think so too. BUT

I'm not very fond of some characteristics of Cancer; for instance we are very moody, we hold grudges and our emotional sensitivity can get in the way. For me it's extremely hard to find that balance where you need just enough feeling for something or someone to know when to embrace or when to let go. I hope one day to master my discernment abilities before this lifetime but it's unlikely.

I allow people into my arena giving them the benefit of a doubt ( my stupid ass) allowing them to fuck up before I put the shield up and then cut you off. Most normal people do the opposite; they put the shield up and get to know a person first then decide if they want any dealings with them or not. This is where my zodiac sign fails me. No matter how cognizant I am of the situation and start off attempting to do it like most normal people, I always end up acting just like a damn Cancer. I just can't help it!!!

This year I celebrated with the best of both worlds...my girlfriends and my husband. I had a blast doing what I love to do most...eat, drink and being merry (and being merry is shopping). All of them really made me feel special, loved and appreciated. I got great gifts but my most valuable gift I got this year is a little more clarity, a little more hope and little more expectations. You see this year for the first time I didn't do the "I'm ....years old and look where I am now." This year I did "I'm 25 years old (again).. and look where I'm going!"

Cancer and all.

Just Crazy

http://thebubble.msn.com/video/?id=ed60eb8a-499d-4683-a443-bba6ba44e05b

Ok I don't know I just think this is some crazy shit!

Windy City

Today is Tuesday, June 8, 2010. I leave to go back to the sweltering heat of Texas' sun and demanding life of non-stop that awaits. So far of all times I've visited Chicago it's been in June. Deceiving though to visit in June. The whether is soo perfect. Just the right amount of sun and wind and even rain. If there could be a perfect souvenir to take back with me, it would be the whether in June. In the winter it's an animal of a different color. The whether isn't so agreeable.


I can honestly say that I am grateful for the trip of seeing my nephew walk across a stage transforming from a child into a man. He graduated among 300 of his peers and was awarded a full athletic scholarship to Michigan for track and field. I am soooo proud of him. I am so proud of my brother and sister-in-law.


I enjoyed my solo trip meeting up with my sister and parents out there. I enjoyed the close knit, one accord and drama free time of sharing with my family but the extended family as well. My sister-in-law's mother and sister came to visit and I hadn't seen either of them in many years. It pleased me that they are just as down to earth now as they were over 10 years ago. I am thankful sometimes that some things don't change.

Flick it!

I was sitting at my cubicle and basking in my self loathing ...as usual. Nothing new. Oh wait! Today I did have something new. I woke feeling like shit and I said to myself "Self, you are going to be ok. You will be happy today." So today I made an effort to feel "happy" just to see how it turns out but as you can see from the time I woke up to me getting to my cubicle how fast that changed. Anyhoo, this lady who shall remain nameless (Virginia) comes in and starts talking to Figgy Pudding (don't ask...that's another story). The sound of her voice irritated me today. I have gotten accustomed to her and usually I can endure her and the typical morning conversations and singing hellos but today.....uhhh no no. This woman is soon to retire and I can't wait for day. Granted I do not dislike her but I don't like her either. Clearly the problem is not her....ok, it's me.

As I was sitting there only one thing comes to mind that would make my world turn and transform this frown upside down. I don't know why...but the very thought of it brightens my day. I want to flick a booger at this woman! I know I know I know!! It sounds immature but I want to do this one thing today. Nope not pay a bill or clean up the house or work the worklist. The thing on my Things to Do List for today, June 2, 2010 is flick a booger on this hooker!

So I ran the idea by my therapist to make sure it was within reason and to see what would come of it. Well surprisingly enough not only did I get approval but I got recommendations on how to do it AND....AND I got dared! It was suggested that I keep it on my finger and pat her on the back or shoulders. I loved the idea!

I know all of this sounds soooo crazy and cuckoo but I set out to make myself feel happy today. And the silly childish thought of flicking a booger on someone makes me laugh. You have to take your blessing as they come big or small. You have to do what you have to do to find something that will make you laugh. A small prayer and laughter was my itsy bitsy unexpected piece of happiness for today.

Hmmm I wonder what will get me through tomorrow.

Meet the Wiz

Have you ever experienced trying to reason with someone? As you know, it can be the most difficult thing in your life to accomplish. I really think conquering other things are much easier sometimes for instance, it's easier to lie in the middle of the street of oncoming traffic praying no one hits you, then trying to reason with someone who just doesn't get it.

I have often times tried to come up with new innovative ways to get my point across and nothing has worked. Sort of like the episodes when Plankton tries to steal the secret formula from Spongebob. I am tired, I have to admit; but I still have hope for this one idea that I'm sure will work. You see, I have convinced myself that if I can just bypass the auto pilot robot and speak to the Wiz, he'll understand. I'm sure he knows me and I'm most certain that he and I can just come to some sort of middle ground.

He can be the most ideal and conceptual being at times but only for matters that benefit him. Which is why I need to speak to him. See, I have some concerns of matters that he's involved directly relating to me and I have a difference of assessment from his. Remember I said it can be difficult to get the point across? Well the Wiz also can have selective hearing. Certain voices and tones he will receive better than others. I can say something to him and another voice (..one he likes of course) can say the very same thing....verbatim too...and he hears it and responds just fine! Isn't that some shit?! Go figure!

In case you haven't figured out who he is just yet, he's that little muthafuka lodged in the back left side of the brain that only the person's whose head he lives in listens to. I know without a shadow of doubt that the Wiz is in total full control of some people. Believe me when I tell you this, I have witnessed it on NUMEROUS occasions.

I just need help with trying to meet him. So if you know him or have a personal and/or direct contact with the Wiz, please please please would you tell him Dorothy wants to talk to him?

Construction

WOW! This week has been a flood of news and information. You see right now I'm under construction. That means work is being done on me. I know because my feelings are all mixed up and overwhelming.


I was instructed not to lose hope because that's really all I have. If I loose that, then God help me! That's my future. That's the glimpse or speckle of what was promised to me. I have the task of knowing there's somewhere I'm supposed to be...how to be. But I have no earthly clue as to how I'm supposed to get there. I'm not a logical person or even an analytical person..one who makes sense ....one who knows whether or not the numbers add up because if they do, then all is good and it's a go. Nope! That's not me. My emotions propel me. My creativity provides my insight and that's my logic. A Dreamer. That's my thinking brain...it's what makes sense to me.


Everything about me being here in this "Corporate America" is exorbitantly incorrect. Yet it's my home, I'm indubitably lodged. Fire Under My Ass! For this reason I won't be comfortable. I won't move forward. I won't be satisfied. I won't be appreciated. I won't succeed. I won't be happy. I won't be cured.


I won't be cured. Because I'm under construction. Have you forgotten already? That's what happens. I forgot. Already. Distraction. Unannounced, uninvited, unexpected and un-beknownst welcomed. That's what happens when you forget. You get off course. If you are like me, you get Corporate America! So then you have to get Under Construction! You have to feel that burn. You have to eat a heap of that pie you don't like very much. You know which pie I'm talkin' bout! And then you have to listen.


I'm Under Construction.

The Alternative

I had this conversation with my cousin today and thought it was hilarious. You see only she and I have this weird off balance (for lack of a better term) sense of humor. I would describe it as a creative stretch of the imagination the way we communicate and entertain our fun loving side. She must have sensed I was in the funk and she called me today to check on me. It's always a welcomed interruption when she calls. So I was telling her that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...just life. What had I said that for?!!!! So then it begins!


She reminded me that the "Alternative" doesn't sound that great either. Can you imagine yourself laying in the bed and then you open your eyes and say "God I don't want to do this today, I don't feel like going to work."...then you close your eyes again and will yourself to get out of bed. Well wait a minute! Just before you "mentally prepare" you hear a heavy breathing whispering sound and feel a mist of freshly whipped up steam (like a smoke machine in a haunted house ) and you open your eyes to see the grim reaper emerging from your freshly vacuumed carpet. What would you do?


Well I've already fashioned in my brain that I would be headed to closet picking out clothes to wear, brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Yeah and when confronted by those words, "God I don't want to do this today"....I would politely lie. Yes I would. I would act as if Grimm had the wrong house and insist that he checks his clipboard because I would deny that those words crossed my thoughts furthermore lips all the while putting my clothes on for work. I know it would be one of the oldest tricks in Grimm's book but I would have to convincingly attempt it. And the icing on the cake would be the person laying next to you with a dumb founded look asking...."Ummmm who are you talking to?"


I guess when put like that...the "Alternative" doesn't sound that great.

My Rightful Place

WOW! How could I let a whole entire year go by without writing something in this blog? Life...that's how! I was inspired to write something today. I read back in my past blogs of all the pain I endured and that's what I wrote about mostly, but today...I have something else. Today I am writing about my rightful place. I am far from perfect but damn near close to feeling like this is where I should be.


I've made some amends with some people....some in my mind and some with them personally. I've learned who deserves my love and who doesn't. Everyday I am learning something new about me. In my assessment of myself, I think I have defined myself as somewhat a callous selfish person but it's okay because I need it and it helps me not to take the bullshit so personally. I love that I can say NO when I want and sleep real damn good at night!


I'm at the right place. I try not to give everyone the selfish me just those who will appreciate it whether they think they do or not. I won't stifle myself from going higher or further but for right now I'm in the right place.