I Know Her

You don’t know Angela but I do. You don’t know….HER. I call her An-jella (with the Ang part pronounced like you would say Angel). My God, she is a living, breathing, walking this earth, live in the flesh, oxymoron. A beautiful contradiction I might add. I may have met a few but don’t recall because they don’t define it like she does for me to even remember. 

She’s never lied to me before so I didn’t have a reason to, but I didn’t believe her today when I asked her how was she doing and feeling. I really needed to know because it matters. See, it matters because PARENTING is challenging enough but with AUTISM, it’s a beast, BILLS are fucking relentless and CANCER is bitch. So I asked her for picture to prove to me her current state of being. I’ve been shielded from seeing her through her journey of healing but today I got to see with my own two eyes. 

When I saw her in the picture, I expected to see Angela. Instead I saw An-jella. I saw that beautiful contradiction. My cousin who is like a sister to me is so strong, but very fragile. I know her. I’ve experienced her as bird with both wings broken and witnessed her as a blazing phoenix.  I tell you, seeing her with no cushion where thick curly hair used to be under her black and white flowered head wrap, no make- up, tattoo accompanied scared body and a smirk just gave me life! 

In that photo I saw her mother, my mother, our past, our relationship, her healing, her beauty, Tay, Mason & Maurice, life and well-being either way. I asked her how she was doing. She said she was good and you know what? SHE WAS! It did my heart really really good. I couldn’t be more proud of her if I wanted to. GI Jane ain’t got shit on my An-jella! 

That's What We Do

There are somethings that are given to you, somethings you get from experiences, and somethings you are born with, either way, at some point, you realize it. At the point of discovery, you decide what to do with your gift or curse. Well on Saturday, February 20, 2016 I decided what to do with my gift.

I decided to wear it. I don't know how it came to me if I were born with it or if it was given to me and I don't care, I embrace my confidence. I know who I am and Who I belong to. And because I know this, I decided to press the reset button. I cut all of my hair off and started from scratch. I did it out of necessity. I did it out of care.

I needed to do something radical. BB....that's what I named her, my confidence. BB is short for Bad Bitch. BB was scratching at the walls of my soul pleading to be seen. Often she is kept behind the scenes and obscured from public viewing until prompted or warranted. ENOUGH! It was time. It was time to parade her extravagance, I obeyed. 

I had help though, Little Miss and Chocolate Drop, every chance they got, would remind me what I taught them about confidence and wondered what was I doing with mine. I had to take their concerns seriously because both are very strong and take their confidence with such conviction. That's what I taught them, that's what they know. Scared, toiling, craving, hesitantly but willingly, I did obey. I'm so glad I did! People try to assess why I cut my hair. I can see how they try to compute having long thick flowy, full luxuriousness to...well...NOT, which is  amusing to me.

Although I haven't had a single bad comment, I really don't give a damn what people think! I'm liberated! I'm confident. In the words of a wise ALL NATURAL beautiful strong queen...and I quote, "Natural hair don't care on they funky ass!" But if they really want to know, and they do ask, per Psalm 139:13-14 my reply goes like this...."Because that's what Bad Bitches do."

Smoke & Shit

I just returned from an awesome lunch I had with 2 great friends of mine. Anyone who knows me know I love, love, loooooveee to eat. When I cook, I usually eat in moderation. When I go out to eat, I act a ass. My thinking...why should this time be any different? Needless to say on the ride back to work I felt all the repercussions and consequences of the meal and then I realized something that made me hoot in laughter.

I realized that I'm getting old! I looked at my friend and said... "I'm ready for a good shit....and a cigarette." Just like that.

I remember when I was a little girl seeing my mom in that pink wall, wood framed bathroom sitting on a throne with such delight. She had long red oblong shaped nails pinching the butt of a seemingly extra long Virgina Slim and with every kiss of that butt came a look of pure satisfaction. It was like whatever she had on her plate going on in her life at the time, literally she dropped it in the toilet and flushed it. She valued her "Me Time". It showed on her face.

Funny how I remember those moments. Now that I am her, I understand completely what "Me Time" means and the pure disdain and aggravation that comes with being interrupted with somebody wanting or needing something that apparently, just can't wait 10 more fucking minutes!!!

Seems as though my mother wasn't alone and neither am I because when I declared my need for "Me Time", my friends shot me a look of gratefulness and understanding and they concurred, to them what sounded like a great idea. That's some old people shit right there.

But That Was Then

Rejection. Can be perceived as in many ways, most commonly in manners such as these to say or read as NO, later, declined, ignored, etc.

Rejection is to humble, retaliate, dismiss or negate, prevent, benefit.

I was supposed to get married in February. My brain is thinking too much and too fast. A million thoughts. I want to write this post but I can't narrow my thoughts right now. He shared something with me that I didn't like about others, and I need to know where will I fit in. Why is he so important to me. Why am I so strongly connected to him and he can't see or feel that. Why doesn't he know it.

That's how this post were to begin when I first started writing it about a year ago. I couldn't finish it though. I couldn't compose my thoughts, so I stop writing. I ran across this draft and it triggered the memory of what I was supposed to convey back then. It took me a year, but I can say it now. Hell, I can sum it up in 1 phrase now. I was fucking hurt. Broke down to my brake pads. But that was then, and this is now.

For some reason, my fingers just starting tapping on the keys with fluency and I felt the need to complete this post today. I still don't know exactly what I want the outcome of it to be yet since the memory of my pain was evoked. Not sure if I want to disclose how necessary pain is for your shaping, and how I've come to embrace it to desensitize or avoid it altogether because I fear it. I haven't decided if I want to make known that I will sometimes sabotage and reject first, so that I am not the rejected later. I am on a journey and continuing to learn. Because of past experiences this is how I turned out....wishy washy, and how I always question motility in relationships because of experienced and potential future pain. I don't excuse myself from righteousness either. I know too, that I can be a perpetrator to some degree and cause harm. I am responsible in that regard.  Can't figure out if I should state the obvious, pain is inevitable. But, I can say this...that was then, and its still now.

Just Be Thankful

There's a song by Omar that is one of my favorite renditions to an oldie but goodie: Be Thankful. The message in the song is essentially saying to be thankful for what you got.

Today's Thanksgiving and it's my favoritest (I made that word up) holiday of the year! To be thankful though, you have to realize. You have to know what you are thankful for.

I am in New Orleans visiting my parents for Thanksgiving with the whole family . I wanted to get cleaned up so I asked my mom if I could use their bathroom. In doing so, I noticed their personal products scattered abroad on the counters and in the cabinets. I noticed my mom's makeup, serums and potions, things that she could use to help make her look younger. No biggie, I use the same things, so it wasn't obvious to me at first because with women, it's evident that we want to continue looking/being younger.

But I noticed a product belonging to my dad that took me completely off guard. This product immediately sent me to tears. It was hard core, absolute, undeniable evidence, my parents are getting older. Next year around this time, if God says the same my dad will be 70 years old. Age was never something I saw with my parents. It never dawned on me they are getting up in age, and they don't act like it at all. Of course there are gentle reminders, like a knee hurts or arthritis here and there, they take high blood pressure medicine, but never obvious evidence, like what I discovered today.

At first I was saddened because I know what getting older means, it could also mean another chapter in their lives and the same for me. It means adjustments, considerations you wouldn't think about before, and preparations for a future of finality. Whether or not I'm ready for this mindset, I better be, because time waits for no one, not even them.

Then I realized something else, that I'm thankful. I'm thankful that they are getting older and I am here to witness it, to be a help, and to give them my love. I am here to show my gratefullness for everything they have done and given to me. I'm thankful they get to witness their grand children , great grandkid, and to live and act like they are as young as the want to be.

Yes, they are getting older. Yes, I'm thankful!

What's In Ya?

I had a few....as a matter of fact, I'm writing this blog with my speech a little slurred. Needless to say booze is in me right now. Have you ever heard the expression, a drunk man speaks a sober truth? Well I believe it. It turns you into something more out spoken, a liquid courage....something you would ordinarily conceal. But like truth, what's in you comes out....eventually. Sometimes you get a little help.

I was watching the OWN network "Where Are They Now".. and they featured Debbie Allen. I so love her. She is fierce. But at the end, they asked her a question to conclude her spotlight episode. They asked, "What do you know for certain?" Okay. For those who don't know me, For TV shows that have my undivided attention, I tend to become the character in my head. So when questions are asked in the role, I always answer in my head.....before the character does [ to see if we come up with the same answer or not]. It's a knee jerk reaction, I place myself in the role. This sort of helps me determine if in any way there are any similarities to my personality of the character or if I could predict where the writer is going or not. Stupid I know...but that's silly me.

She answered... " I know my family loves me. I know the sun will shine tomorrow." I blurted ...."I know God is Good all the time...and all the time God is good." This was a revelation. Again. I knew it, but I proved it to myself again. Without hesitation, or second thought in my drunken or soberness, I know without doubt, GOD IS GOOD! I sooo love Him! Even in my misstep, and poor decision, I know that I love Him and need Him.  I know that He is soo good and is faithful to me.

A friend of mine asked me just today why haven't I written any blogs in a long time. I settled with I didn't have the time nor was I inspired because it wasn't in me. But that soon changed, for today at least. While blogging may not be in me all the time, nor booze, I do know what's/who's in me ALL the time.

 So I ask, what's in ya?

Lowes sell Bubbles? Humph! Who knew!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am feeling like hot steamy dookie today. Usually I am very excited that I am turning a year older. I love birthdays. I used to. It's tradition every year my best friend and I would celebrate the entire month of our birthdays and we would call everyday up until the actual day to say something kind, encouraging or sing. This year's song to me is "Happy 49th Birthday!" Followed by...You look good girl! No one will believe you are turning 49 this year! Your skin is some tight! Damn girl you look some good for 49! Mind you, I will be 49 in like a million years from now. She's just a clown and Black Magic knows how to make me laugh when I am in the funk.

To this day, we keep the tradition alive. We have another tradition too. We go back down memory lane. We review our accomplishments with our lives, or lack thereof rather and toy with the thoughts of "what ifs." Talk about heading down a slippery slope real fast...that will do it every time! It's like a cycle. We do it every year.  

So while in this feeling, I asked her if she knew where I could find a bubble. She told me that she knew Lowes sold big ones and little ones, but the little ones were on sale. I would have to come up with a whop for the big one. In our minds, a bubble will house you while depressed. It protects you from being fucked with while you are in your feelings. If you get the big one, it can hold about the size of a bed and a bottle of booze. A little one don't hold shit. That size is pointless.

So we both agree that I can no way afford to purchase a big bubble unless possibly it was on sale. Since Lowes only had little ones on sale, that did me no good. In her role, she decided for me that I had better come out of this funk by 3:00pm today and get ready for my birthday. I agreed to that too.  See, the responsibility of the Bestie, is to make important decisions in the best interest of the other party when they don't see straight. They are to also keep spirits uplifted and excited about birthdays and my Biffaduh (BFF-uh-duh!!!)  comes through every time. What's not to be excited about...after all, turning 49 never looked so good.

What's the P and B?

I work in a position that requires me to pay various items like invoices and reimbursements, things of that nature. To pay these items you need a Cost Center (where the monies to pay are coming from) and a Purpose and Benefit. 

The Purpose and Benefit (PB...not peanut butter!) is a term used to explain and justify spending according to this particular institution's policies.  The more and more I've had to request PB's from recipients, the more I've grown fonder of the term.  Not just for some of the outrageous replies but also for the complexity and weight 3 words can offer to one beyond a payment. 

I'm curious how the phrase can be transcribed by others. Today presented an opportunity for me to put that phrase to the test. Now I have to say, the person I used it on know what it means from a working standpoint but I wanted to know what response I would get if I used it for a personal question. 

Not surprised at all I got just what I thought. Like on the professional side, I usually get one but not the other and have to coach or fish for an answer.....sort of be a mind reader. This experiment was nothing short of the usual, I got the purpose, but not the benefit. I think its substantial and reasonable to know how one's intent can benefit you. And to hear it in the other person's thought really can put things into perspective for the requester, at least in my case anyway. So that will become my new practice. I shall ask, what's the Purpose and Benefit? Then, I shall decide or think on it.

Ewww! Yuck!

I love definitions. I use a dictionary and thesaurus daily. Those two are my most favorite reference tools, more than Google and more than a calculator. I love it because our language can have more than one meaning for a word and some can have the most hidden and unlikeliest meanings. I found this out by evidence of Black Magic and I at work again.

I called her because I was fed up. I was angry at the situation and mostly at myself. I had been asking for it and finally I got it, but it didn't feel like I wanted it to feel. I wanted to be released of something with satisfaction, but on my own terms, and in my own time. When it didn't happen that way, naturally I was pissed.

But somebody had to pay and that somebody wasn't gonna be me. So I did what I know and called who I knew could help me commit a crime. I called Black Magic. After giving her the run down, we came to a resolve. We labeled. We issued a name to it, so when we see it, we know what it is and it's identified. Like an itchy, flaky, red, inflamed, fungal irritation, that appears in the most inaccessible areas of your body is what we've discovered some people or some circumstances can be to me. A fucking RINGWORM!

And like with any plague or disease no matter how you try to avoid it or get rid of somethings on your own, they keep coming back like a ringworm too! Although I'm rid of something or something is rid of me, at first glance, I'm really not because I'm left with the residue and I have to deal with that shit until it goes away on it's own. So for therapeutic purposes, when I see it coming, I call it by it's name.....Ringworm.

Make A Wish

Yesterday was Princess Lollipop's special day celebrating her Golden Birthday. Folks in Texas never heard of it...don't know the orgin but it's something New Orleanians are familiar with. It means you turn the age of your date of birth. In this case PL turned 11 on the 11th, thus making it her Golden Birthday.

On this birthday I was thinking about what super special gift should I give to her. She received an assortment of things, clothes, money, cupcakes, and a limo ride with her cousin and bestie to a concert to see her favorite boy band Mindless Behavior. She was thrilled and proudly proclaimed that this was the best birthday ever.  I guess if I were 11 I would proclaim the same.  But I know something she doesn't know yet.

While all of those things seemed very appropriate at the time they are not the best gift she could have received. I wish to share with her so many things. I wish to share with her what I've learned from my 2 month old nephew Doodle Bug. When Doodle Bug wants something he wants it NOOOW! DB will cry at a 5 to send warning to stop what you are doing and tend to my needs. When it appears to him, his desires are ignored, he cranks it up to a 12 in 0-60 seconds flat followed by kicking and flaling his hands and feet around. No one taught him this...it comes natural to him and guess what? It works! He's caught someone's attention to stop what they are doing to tend to his immediate needs. This will continue for the rest of his life. As he gets older tantrums will be elemenatary, but he will learn other ways to get what he needs so that he's satisfied and most times it will be at the cost of others.

So why doesn't somethings come natural to us women like that? We learn most times the hard way to pacify ourselves usually with sticking a thumb in our mouths and just waiting until we get attended to at the lesiure of others....nothing like the Doodle Bug method!  I want Princess to know this. I want her to recognize these behaviors and know that she doesn't have to relinqish being who she is to tend to the immediate needs of someone else. A person should love her and be more than satisfied with her because she is her. But this super special gift of knowing this is not something you get on your 11th birthday. It's a gift that's continual that she will get every year from me. So when she needs it, she will have it, because she knows it in the fiber of her being, not like a memory of clothes, money and a concert. It will be like being introduced to God, once you know Him, you can't forget Him.

Sha Na-Na

Gratitude. I'm sure comes in many different languages and there are multiple ways to express gratitude. With Big Easy lingo, we tend to use figurative phrases a lot and one that express our gratitude is by way of dancing. We think so highly of ourselves. We think that a dance from us is so worthy of acceptance, we would do it at your wedding. So to show gratitude, we say..."Thank ya Baaby..Imma sha na-na all over the tables at your wedding." LOL! Can you imagine that? ...Somebody dancing on the tables at your wedding. New Orleanians embrace the high life through food, music, dancing and laughter so much as to show it graciously even in our appreciation. That's the only way we know how to be and I love it. I love to have a reason to show a warm appreciation. Yes indeed, I loves me a good Sha Na-Na.

Can't Argue With That... Now Can I?

Awhile back I wrote a piece on some meaningful phrases that I've invented or adopted to use for getting me through this year. But only one I find I use more than any other, proclaiming, "I ain't arguing this year!" This one is a life changer for me. It appears the more I embrace this phrase, the more I'm put to the test to exercise it. Not to mention, tests come in varieties, multiple directions and unsuspecting sources. Nevertheless I find myself returning to my favorite rule of thumb....not arguing.

It's obvious when you're tired of the same recurring problem to shut down or ignore, this will cause you to not bother. But recently I've realized it could be used for other dilemmas such as perception. I recently went on an interview with a panel of 4 and I was told by The Insider, and I quote, "Word on the street is that I was cold and defensive in the interview." My reply was, "OK. Thank you." Here's where I pulled out my handy dandy favorite phrase, "Can't argue with that, now can I?" The Insider pushed to know how I thought I presented myself. Professionally. That's how.

Let me give a little background. My last interview was almost 6 mos. ago and the one before that was over 10 years ago! I had another interview after this one and was a little bit more relaxed. I didn't interview for the job I'm in now so I'm a little rusty...well a lot rusty. I lost lots of sleep preparing for this gig and they thought I was defensive and cold. I guess they wondered if I could "play well with others", who knows? And I really couldn't argue because the shit is true! I can be cold and defensive. Obviously it was perceived in the interview and The Insider warned that this could be a problem.

My Supervisor made me aware she was contacted by the dept I interviewed with and she answered questions honestly regarding my work ethics and disposition which may explain why I can be perceived as being cold and defensive. She said that I am by the book and departments have a hard time being told they can't do something against regulations.

Here's my take. I will be me. I will do what I am supposed to do....most of the time. Sometimes the chips just needs to fall where they may, people need to think what they must (right or wrong) and we need to just pick and choose our battles carefully. You can't argue all the time. Can you argue with that? Nope!

Bell Hoppers Don't Hop for Us

This is not the first time this has happened. Actually it happens quite often. Usually I feel compelled to tip the person who provides a service to me, even if the service isn't all that great, I know it's a hard tiresome job to wait on people everyday. I used to do it. However in this particular case I didn't feel so compelled. As I waited for M.O.M to collect his things off the shuttle I stood next to the outside check-in station. I was close enough but out of the way to observe and wait. I was waiting for confirmation and guess what? I got one.

I was paying attention to the lady in the parked van that arrived after our shuttle who was getting her bags to checkout. Immediately after the lady opened the door to the van the skycap started the show. He was so happy to see her and he let her know as she was still in the van collecting her belongings. By now, M.O.M and I were fully positioned at the skycap station ready to do business and waiting. And waiting. And waiting. When his attention on the ill prepared lady faded, he then stated, with his head down and eyes diverted, "I.D. or Boarding Pass". We were still and did not respond. His voice carried a little louder this time as he repeated, "I.D. or Boarding Pass". By now, I was certain he was talking to us. The skycap performed his show earlier for the lady in the van but little did he know, he was about to get a back stage pass to a performance he didn't know he had a ticket to.

Ordinarily I would be embarrassed, this time, I was proud.  M.O.M asked him who was he talking to just to make sure he wasn't mistaken and he had a witness to what's about to occur. The skycap said that he was talking to him. M.O.M replied by letting him know he was unaware that he was speaking to him at all by his body language. The skycap had to mention that he has been doing this job for 16 years and he knows what he was doing. After he checked our bags in and issued the boarding passes, I was disappointed because I didn't get the drama I was expecting from M.O.M..... understandably so... but I was proud because I didn't get the drama.

I asked how much did you tip him, he said don't worry about it, it wasn't much. But why do our people feel as though they have to be laxed or even kind of mean when serving us and they put on dancing shoes for 'the others'? Granted not all of us are like that, but the last two skycaps were proof. I guess M.O.M felt sorry for the bastard. I, on the other hand, told him he should have tipped him 16 pennies. I'm wrong, I know. Dance Mutha....! DANCE!

Use Billboards

Why is it that reading the signs for some people so difficult? There are things that I absolutely hate and to show my dismay I send little alerts that would...correction SHOULD prompt one to change course or divert. Maybe that's my problem...maybe I shouldn't send little alerts, I should do something on a more grand scale. For instance, I don't like lots of questions asked consecutively especially when I am eating. As a matter of fact, I don't care much for talking when I'm eating at all. So when I'm invited to conversation with questions, I send little signals that say, "Please don't fuck with me, I'm eating!" I know I know I know...I act like a damn caged animal sometimes behind some food. But the signals go like this, one-word, quick responses, minimal eye-contact or shaking my head yes or no for answers. There's no engaging, no inviting, no nothing! Just leave me alone! I'm eating! Get it? Read the signs! That's a small one about me I don't expect people to know right off hand, but there are others who have been around long enough to know how to read the signs.


M.O.M is in a fraternity and is heavily active. Well great for him! I don't mind it not one bit. Do you Boo! BUT not on my time. He wears his fraternity's shirt in public with me and I HATE it!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! When we go places, someone in the frat stops and speak and they hold conversations reliving their past about where they pledged and who they knew. Well Whooptie Freakin Doo! That's a wonderful way to eat up precious family time, not to mention I'm walking around with this talking fraternity advertisement. In the past I have mentioned, alerted, signaled and everything short of screaming please don't wear that with me in public. IGNORED.


That's what I used to get! Now I can't wait for him to pull that shirt out and wear it. I even offer to iron it. When we are stopped now, the conversation is a wee bit different. Maybe it's because the last time he wore his shirt, I wore...well... I wear mine!

 When the signs don't work, I like using billboards instead.

Notions and Potions

If I could, I would, and I would be the richest girl in the world!

Everyday my appreciation grows fonder at where I've landed in life's journey. I'm so proud of me. I listened. I tried. I cried. I succeeded! Once you get a taste of freedom, you hunger for more. When you get to the point where folks will have to accept you like you are or not at all, and you are alright with it, then you have reached your freedom. People like me will change throughout our life cycles most times for the better. Then, it becomes up to others to decide if they will adjust to our change, and love us with it or not. Unconditional love. I'm talking about self worth. Men tend to acquire self worth at conception. Stupid Lucky Bastards! But for women, sadly it can take almost a lifetime to get.

So I say, if I could, I would and I would be the richest girl in the world!

If I could bottle it up like a potion to ingest or a perfumed spray mist to inhale, Lawd! Lawd! Lawd!!! I would be slipping some women a whole lot of Mickeys! Just imagine if you could take something that would remove the inhibition, or block the mind restraints of being what and who you are supposed to be, careless to what others may think. If women could just take something to remove the fear.

But the mentality has to be coupled with the appropriate intelligence otherwise you would be just a selfish cocky "B" with nothing to show for it.  God knows what He's doing though. He knows that kind of power isn't for every woman, some just can't handle it. He knows you have to earn it and go through initiation so once it's obtained you protect it at all cost. Damn! Now if only they knew.  I just wish more women knew better.

I Hate to Eat and Run

This weekend I visited a place for a nice outing. It was different, then again, no it wasn't. The venue was nice and different but the atmosphere was still the same. The place was St. Genevieve and it was filled with usual characters from the same old live screenplay Bourgeois and Broke. Clearly there was a small percentage of people in there who might actually belong but the rest were fallacious fakers. The females were on a prowl trying hook anything that remotely resembled walking dollar signs. Men were pretenders who saved their entire month's salary to escape where they live for just one night which, by the way, is in that back room of their momma's house.

But what the hell! I enjoyed the scenery for pure entertainment purposes only, I was due.  I was drinking and I was hungry too. I didn't get a chance to see the menu before the food was ordered but chicken was ordered. You can't go wrong with chicken can you? Nope. Not unless it's paired with watermelon...on the same plate.

It's called Mumbai Fried Chicken and it's on the menu described as tamarind chutney and watermelon pickles. WTF! They may as well have called the dish Nigga's Delight! When the dish arrived at first I didn't notice it. I picked up a piece of chicken and ate it....no biggie. On that second piece though, that's when I saw the "watermelon pickles" a.k.a just some plain ass watermelon cut into chunks.

That's when the lights came on! Neither one of us had any idea and judging from the menu I don't think anyone could have known. I was offended but it was too late. It was pointless to make a scene about the menu. What could I do? Nothing. So I did what any self respecting black person would do. I fucked up that chicken and watermelon and left no crumbs on the plate, then I hauled ass out of there!

Shit MY Paw Says...

There is a guy who started this craze with a post called Shit My Dad Says. I have to admit some of the stuff on there is funny and I can definitely relate. It's mind blowing some of the things that comes out of our parents mouths. I wonder where do they get their thoughts from. Many of my posts stem from conversations I've had with my father that leaves me in aww. And I don't know if it's the aww in a good way all of the time either. Yet again J.O. Smooth hasn't disappointed me. I was visiting home taking care of some "bitness" and naturally when I go down there he is my road dog. So we were in the car talking about ALL sorts of shit. We laugh and talk about people, we laugh and talk about problems, we laugh and talk about ourselves. We have a great relationship, best friends too.

The conversation went like this:

Me: Yeah we went over there by Reese and her new lil Boo was over there. He's a nice guy, seem to be real cool people. I like him. I hope he is real good to her and I hope he sticks around.

J.O: Oh Yeah? He's a cool lil dude?

Me: Yep! And guess what his name is?

Now let me pause right here for a second. When someone ask you to guess something, most people we would guess the answer is in vicinity of something familiar. My thinking would be to say a name of person I knew or someone close to me with the same name. So I was expecting him to say maybe....I don't know...J.O.?

This is where I sigh. Conversation resumes:

Me: Yep! And guess what his name is?

J.O. blurts out: NICODEMUS!

And I mean it came out of his mouth so fast, like it took him no thought...like he had Touretts or something! WTF! Huh? How did he come up with Nicodemus? I'm curious...I had to ask. "J.O. do you know someone whose name is Nicodemus that roams this earth?...I'm not talking about that fellow in the Bible, I mean a living person...do you know a Nicodemus?" Of course he says Nope! I just kept saying it to myself over and over again. Nicodemus. Nicodemus dude. Really? Nicodemus? Nick-O-deeeeem-us. Nicodemus.

Go To Hell in 2012

I've been talking to some folks in my circle and I usually hear a definitive response to they way they feel about something. The response is an affirmation on how I should expect one to behave from this point forward, usually tinted with a clever saying much like the one in the title above. I've taken an curious notice to these because from time to time I feel the way they do and come up with my own. I often listen to what drive these quotes and most times agree with their conclusion. Some quotes are derived from selfishness and others the realization of being fed up. In any case I've collected a few from various sources not just my own.

Go To Hell in 2012

• I think you can figure what that one means.

Do You.... When You Want To 

• I've been told this one means that you don't have to make special arrangements to be yourself or do things that makes life bearable to you with regards of putting some others consideration above your own. If you feel like being nice, go for it...if not, no love lost.

I Will Adjust

• Simple phrase but a heavy weight. This means they don't have to do a damn thing. There is nothing for them to change. You will do all the changing. Let that person be. You will adjust your attitude and actions for what is more suitable for you to handle and in your favor.

I Ain't Arguing

• Going around and around with no solution or beneficial outcome is a waste of my time. A person who does the same thing but expects a different outcome is a fool. Don't loose your breath just adjust.

I've used these and mouthed these quotes and will continue to do so. It's a shame that the world has gotten this way, to the point where its ok to be an asshole or selfish. I don't know if it's always been this way or if it just hit home for me. It seems as though I am now in survivor mode and blending with the masses but at one time in my life the consideration of others first was taught to me and applied. Everyone reaped the benefit of being kind to one another but something happened along the way.

Truth to the 3rd Degree

In an conversation this morning with my favorite cousin in the whole wide world we have concluded quite a few things. You see today is her birthday and like all birthdays it's like our personalized New Year's we tend to reflect. The thing that resonated the most with us is that we will be true. If not to anyone else, we will be true to ourselves. Truth and trust for me comes in levels of degrees. This is where I weigh the honest according to those involved and the circumstances and what I expect the outcome to be through the actions of others and myself. I've defined levels 1-3.

Level 1

Keeping Your Mouth Shut

• When someone confides in you, don't tell their business. Naturally I expect people to give me the same courtesy and I would hate to think that I would have to start every conversation with "Don't Tell Anybody, but uhh...".  Well obviously you do. You have to communicate instructions, people naturally think it's ok to be forthcoming with your business even if you think about the courtesy with theirs. 

Level 2

High Alert

• There are those in your life, who you know can love you, and wouldn't want to see harm come to you, but they don't want to see good come to you either. That's the truth! They can be family or friends, real close to you, but with them you have to decide what to share. You have to  be guarded. You can allow some information but it's got to be filtered because while some may even appear to have your best interest at heart, it's something about you they either secretly admire, secretly hate or secretly covet.

Level 3

Honesty

• This one I've found to be the hardest one to come by. It involves the actions in doing and sometimes not doing. This is the truth where you want to know a person is doing right by you. You have to define what "right by you" is for you. For some it may be keeping employment or being treated with gentleness and kindness for others it might be fidelity. I believe however, in this kind of truth, you have to be a participant, not just the expecting party. This is the one where you call a spade a spade. You should be able to put all the cards on the table and then decide if you will or will not/can or cannot. 

Trust for me counterbalances love, if not more. I crave all three levels to be rectified in my life and I plan on starting with me. Since I have these levels spelled out, I have to sort out. I can place who goes where and handle those accordingly.  I want to be privy to not having to do this. I wish I could be me and share me without having to put so much thought and energy into maintaining relationships this way. But humans are flawed.

Horror Flicks

M.O.M and I were talking about scary movies and what we have classified as the all time most scariest movies in our day. Candyman and Exorcist reigned supreme in our picking. In comparison to today's scary movies we landed on the thought that this era's scary movies are mostly either gory or comedic. They don't generate a natural idea of something to fear. With the costumes and make-up and horrible story line or plot, there's the lacking of the reality of fearful circumstances or ideal of something to fear in real life. Both of those movies in our opinion captured the idea of something in reality to fear. They are both human mixed with truth and the possibility that this could really happen because they both display the evil side of a spiritual realm.  We also have to consider the place and time in our lives when these movies came out, very young and impressionable. It's still so amazing though how human and less monstrous those movies from back in the day was so scary to me.

Aside from movies now their are other shows on TV that I have found to give a whole different meaning to the word scary. Perhaps they are scary to me because it's reality and we know reality can be scary. Shows like The First 48 Hours, it takes you on a journey of finding out what happened to the person who was murdered and how or if they find a killer. This show is real TV, there are no scripts or actors. Find Our Missing is one that searches for answers or closure on mostly black children who were kidnapped or went missing and how authorities take a different approach on finding these children opposed to when a white child is missing. Now this show hits home for me because it is a scary thought if this were to happen to me. I would die.

We had just had this discussion about the scary movies and this show Finding Our Missing. This morning at the gas station as I was pumping gas I saw a flyer for a kid in my neighborhood who went missing earlier in the week. I've never been that close to this idea before but there it was right in front of me, this scary movie is happening to a mother who's kid is missing and this family is right in my backyard. This could be my family going through this terrible ordeal. This could have been my reality and just thinking about it is scary enough.